Too High to Get Over, Too Low To Get Under

Archive for the month “February, 2012”

Shikagoland Reads the Headlines

Its been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you. Without some silly articles to read through.

*diddy bops*

– Well. Actually The President wants people to…you know what. Fuck Santorum. Lots of people crack jokes about this based on the fact that ‘ol frothy here clearly believes in college for himself, seeing as how he has a Masters degree AND a Law degree. But I’m less inclined to joke because this is just…UNREAL in its level of entitlement. Surely Santorum doesn’t believe that wealthy white Christian kids shouldn’t go to college. I’m sure his wealthy white Christian children will have every opportunity to go wherever they want. There is something FAR more sinister going on. On the surface he’s just being a dick and trying to appeal to the backwards thinking sheep for whom the word liberal = communists who are going to take all my money and give it to them blacks/hispanics/etc. But really, what he’s saying is: lets not let just ANYONE think they can go to college and prosper. Some people just need to be poor. And we would prefer that those people be brown. So we can continue to live the dream and run the world. WHATEVA WHATEVA I DO WHAT I WANT.

–  No, not the one they use for racist humor. A hot one. Or something. And no, this is totally NOTHING like that time Friends caved to pressure about not having any black people on the show by casting Aisha Tyler in a completely pointless role. Nope. Totally different.

- You remember that thing I said in the Santorum blurb about something more sinister going on underneath the surface? That applies here. The above gif also applies.

– Let me sum it up for you. “Black women don’t hate themselves for not looking like Gisele and clearly thats some kind of problem”. Or something. See above gif.

: Yeah, its also quite useful for stalking. Thanks for clearing that up, bro.

Dear: South Korea. I’m still exceptionally butt hurt about the blackface thing. but to show there are no overall hard feelings…


My feelings are very complicated.

Oppa Probably Meant It: A Follow-Up Post


First, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who read, re-tweeted, and tumbled (tumblr’ed?) my last post about the intensely frustrating issue of blackface on South Korean television. I think its important that the dialogue on this is continued. I’m not the first to write about this and I won’t be the last.

And that’s kinda the point. The two instances of blackface I referenced in my previous post are not the only times this has ever happened. They aren’t  even . And unless people speak up, this will continue to happen.

Over the past few days I’ve done a little more research into reactions to Korean blackface. The most frustrating defense is that Koreans don’t have the same history with blackface as Americans and that its unfair to place “our”  history on them.


The core point of blackface is to mock blacks and portray them as silly and stupid. You don’t need historical context to know that thats wrong. You don’t need historical context to know that black people do not have charcoal colored skin and huge exagerrated pink lips. You do not need historical context to understand that inferring that a huge diverse population of people all have the intelligence levels of small children. Try again.

The larger issue is that some Koreans just don’t seem to care that they are being offensive.

Last year I came upon a clip of Tiger JK (a South Korean rapper) appearing on You Hee-Yeol’s Sketchbook  with his son Jordan.

You died from cute, right? Well, after that appearance Korean “netizens” went on attack mode. Why? Because Jordan’s mother, the intensely talented rapper singer Yoon Mi Rae, is of mixed Korean and Black heritage. These people went so far as to call the child a “nappy headed nigger”.

Tell me again about Koreans not understanding racial historical context.

I’ll wait.

My point in bringing up this horrible incident is that, as I said previously, the excuse that they aren’t aware what they are doing is bullshit. Yoon Mi Rae and Tiger JK have spoken about this issue repeatedly. SNL Korea had to issue an apology after its Dreamgirls skit, based on the recent movie, where three Korean actresses appeared in blackface (one of them was even wearing a wig of braids). They know what they are doing. They just don’t care.

An added layer of ridiculousness to this whole thing is that so many Korean (mostly kpop) artists borrow so heavily from black musicians and the hip-hop culture. If you watch their interviews, all these idols want to be Michael Jackson and Mariah Carey. When they want to show off their talents they cover American R&B. When they want to look “cool” they dress themeslves in “Malibu’s Most Wanted” couture.

I mean, really.

In general, I lack the ability to be bothered by that kind of thing. I rarely view it as mean spirited. I used to pretend to be Janet Jackson, but I never found a way to make money off of it so I can’t knock the hustle. But to so liberally swagger-jack a group of people, but to then turn around and lampoon them as, lets face it, barely human, is disgusting.

I think the reason this issue irritates me so (besides the racism) is that South Korea, as a country, is pushing themselves out to the world. We’re not invading them and forcing our values. They are opening their doors via music, television, tourism advertisements, etc. South Korea is hosting the Winter Olympics in 2018. These are not the actions of a people who want to be left alone, away from the scrutiny of foreigners. The Korean media trumpets ANY appearance by a Koreans, no matter how insignificant,  in American media as “domination”. They are telling the world” come to us, we’re awesome. And bring your wallet”. I’m no CEO but insulting the rest of the world while asking for their money is a pretty ineffective business model.

Ok ok. I'll wrap it up.

In the end, all any of us can do is voice our discontent and hope that things will change. Whether its through blog posts, petitions, emails to broadcasting stations/entertainment companies, or just refusing to support Korean artists/entertainers as they make headway into the rest of the world.

Thanks again for reading my slightly jumbled thoughts.

Oppa Didn’t Mean It: Blackface on South Korean Television…Again

Have you ever had that moment where you see something so disgusting, so horrifically WRONG that it just ruins your day?


Well. This might help.

So here’s the thing, right? I watch a lot of Korean television. I listen to a lot of Korean music. I eat a lot of Korean food. I’ve picked up a fair bit of the language (mostly to communicate to the owners of the Korean restaurant in my ‘hood that I’m cool and to curry their favor. Their favor being that cool purple rice and tea).

I don’t actually know any Korean people on a personal level. I have no special insight into their culture, anymore than someone who watches Mexican novelas or American soap operas knows about the real lives of Americans or Mexicans.

That said, you know what I’m never gonna do? Tape back my eyes and paint my skin yellow and go “ching chong ching chong” while wearing a track suit and a perm wig  and then assume its ok because, to me, thats what old Korean ladies are like.

But apparently it is totally okay to make fun of people you know nothing about in South Korea. Because SK is such a homogeneous country and there aren’t a lot of foreigners around or something. And they’ve never heard the term blackface and don’t know its wrong.

But…well they seem to know how to DO blackface pretty well.

Come for the racism, stay for the snacks

That above is a screencap from awhile back where B2ST (Beast) member Kikwang got his blackface on. Cue a flurry of comments of how “he didn’t know better” “blackface doesn’t mean anything in Korea” “they only know what they see from American television” all variations of my favorite joke to be passed around whenever a kpop idol does anything wrong, “OPPA DIDN’T MEAN IT”.

Oh, really? When was the last time you saw a black person cooning over a piece of watermelon in a American film or tv show? Furthermore, what black person have they ever seen that actually LOOKS LIKE THIS?

I’ll wait.*files nails*

And ok fine. They don’t know blackface as a term. Sure, I’ll take that. But on what planet is it okay to purposely dress up to look like someone else for the singular purpose of mocking them? When Kikwang and others smear on the paint and start to shuck and jive, much to the joy and delight of the audience, what message are they trying to send out?

Would you like to know what it says to me? Its says that me, and people who look like me, are buffoons. We’re stupid. We’re great to laugh at. AND WE FUCKING LOVE WATERMELON, SON!!!

Which amuses me, because, lets keep it real, I’ve seen those watermelon displays at H-Mart. Koreans love watermelon as much as black people are purported to. And fried chicken. Who doesn’t love fried chicken? We really need to get over this bullshit and come together on this.

I laugh so I don’t cry.

A lot of hay is being made by the South Korean media about the “Hallyu Wave” which is basically the spreading of Korean entertainment to other parts of the world. Just recently kpop mega group Girl’s Generation performed on Letterman and Live with Kelly. BigBang is planning a world tour that will almost certainly stop in the United States (or there will be HELL TO PAY). Late last year there was a big multi-act kpop festival in Las Vegas. I support this. Clearly.

But once incidents like this start to get around in the American media? Forget it.

If all these South Korean entertainment companies are serious about exporting their product to the world at large, I’m gonna need them to make use of some of that super internet they’ve got going on over there and get into some history. Take a break from swagger jacking  “black culture”, and actually learn something about it. Or at the very least learn how not to piss people off. Most people, when they prepare to visit a foreign country, look up what words/actions might be offensive, right? Well, if you’re trying to SELL me something, I’m really going to need you to put in some work on not making a mockery of me and everything I stand for.

I am also available as a consultant. I’m just saying.

Back to the first sceencap. This gross display took place on the Korean variety show (if you have a strong stomach, the mess starts about 47 minutes in). So far I don’t know who is under the paint. I’m not even sure what they are saying. And you know what? I don’t care. There is almost nothing that they could say to make this ok. On one of the kMusic shows groups sometime sing a “Road Safety Song” that is some sort of PSA. Maybe if this turns out to be a “You Look Like a Fucking Moron and This Is So Not Cool Song” PSA then I’ll retract my rage.

In case this needs to be stated outright: no I don’t think all Koreans are racist. No I don’t think all Koreans would wear blackface. No I don’t think all Koreans hate black people. But do I think these things happen at an alarming rate? Yes. Do I always go on a little daydream about traveling to South Korea and then crash when I remember stuff like this? Yup. Am I still going to see the G.I. Joe sequel almost solely because Lee Byung Hun is in it? A crowd of angry ajummas couldn’t stop me.

But I’m not going to pretend that these things don’t bother me and make me not want to support South Korean artists/entertainers. At some point I lose the ability to be patient and forgiving.  I’m not willing to sweep these issues under the rug. They need to be talked about. Or nothing ever changes.

In summation: Blackface? Wrong. Watermelon? Delicious no matter your race. Kpop? Fun. This author? Sick of the bullshit.

UPDATE: There is now a YouTube clip of the blackface segment. In a disturbing twist, this video is directly from the Official YouTube page of MBC Ent. Yes. They are promoting this delicious snippet of racism.

Lighten Up, Its Just Fatshun

If Prince, Siegfried & Roy, and Stevie Nicks ever tour together I have the PERFECT outfit! If only it had some sequins....

I don’t buy new clothes often because…well, I couldn’t find a doctor to prescribe me depression meds based solely on crying jags in dressing rooms.

Being an ample lady, I understand all too well the horrors of plus sized fashion. When you add to it the fact that I’m a tiny inch ruler of a person (height wise), exceptionally booby-licious (what I lack in height I make up for in tits), lacking in ass,  and not shaped like a refrigerator (I’m working on a theory that plus sized brands use them as fit models) well…I’ve got a crap load of issues to deal with that are only made worse when I go to a store and am confronted with racks upon racks of bedazzled animal print tents.

No offense to refrigerators who like to wear animal print tents.

Fashion wise, I’m a simple girl. Every once in awhile one of the ladymags will print up some list of closet classics/essentials. These are the things I want my closet to consist of. Almost solely. My favorite outfit is ankle length cigarette pants, a boat neck top, flats, a blazer, and a scarf. I like cardigans and a-line skirts. My fashion holy grail is the perfect full-skirted (NON FLORAL) summer dress. Call me preppy. Call me boring. Call me  a Stepford wannabe. I can accept that. I like what I like.

And no one wants me to buy it. Or at least not in a plus sized store.

I’m “lucky” enough to be able to buy most of my clothes in “regular” stores/sections. So all my “staple” items have been purchased in stores that decidedly don’t do plus sizes (Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Anthropologie) and usually only because I got lucky on the way something was cut. But once in awhile, I make the mistake of wandering  into [insert name of your plus sized fashion hell mouth  of choice here] because I figure that…well…its a store full of clothes for women my size and larger so surely there must be SOMETHING, right?I won’t be restricted to only the largest size! Choices! Options! GIMME.

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And then I remember. Animal prints. Bedazzling. Tunics tunics tunics!

The mission statement of these stores seem to be: If we have to co-exist with fat people we must 1. Make clothes with so many patterns that you can’t even focus on their fatness. 2. Blind them with sequins. 3. design with the assumption that every plus sized woman is a 65 year old retiree from Ft. Lauderdale. 4. All plus sized women are roughly the height and shape of a refrigerator.  5. Tunics tunics TUNICS!!!!!!!!!

Here’s the thing: I don’t know anyone who actually LIKES the shit these stores sell. Regardless of personal style, what we want are the same options everyone else gets, but in bigger sizes, with the full knowledge that everything won’t fit perfectly. Whenever I read designers/stores defend themselves against why they don’t “do” plus sized fashion the response is always some variation of “there is such a variety of  plus sized bodies that its impossible to fit them”.

This? Is total horse crap.

No one, I don’t care how big or small, can walk into every store and have everything fit them. Thats not the point. Some things look better on small boobs. Some things look better if you have a big butt. Some things are too long for short people, etc.

Or, when a store decides to carry plus sizes, they either restrict it to online sales (read: keep the fatties out of the stores) or, my personal favorite, release the ugly uninspired line with little to no fanfare and then say “hey! We tried!” and cancel the line.

By mere chance, a few weeks ago someone on Twitter happened to link to an article about H&M bringing plus sizes back to their US stores. I remember when H&M opened up their Chicago store many years ago. It had a terrible plus sized line of boxy ugly clothes with weird prints that was shoved in the back corner of the second level of the store and then quickly removed altogether (hey! We tried!). So. I didn’t have much hope. But then I remembered that early last year, they released a line of adorable girly skirts, tops, dresses, etc, called “” (*eye roll*). Sadly, the line was only available online in the UK and Europe. But maybe, just maybe…

So with hope building in my ample chest I ran downtown and…well…

Boxy ugly clothes with weird prints shoved into a back corner…but on the first floor now! PROGRESS. So not only did H&M not advertise the fact that they had plus sized clothing in brick and mortar stores, they also failed to produce anything to make it worth the trip. Meanwhile, on a rack close enough to the plus sized section to think it was part of it (this happens to me with the maternity section in Target a lot) was this:

A cute basic cotton dress in a fun print. Oh, how I dove for it. Only to find that the largest size was a 12.


Thankfully, there are people out there doing work in the blogging world using the power of their keyboards to help out us fat bottomed girls (we make the rockin’ world go round). My favorite is these blogs is . I’m far too intensely conservative for most of her looks but I love the way she styles and shares her secrets. Plus she’s just a cutie patootie. Go, read her site. Bloggers like Gabi do the work that I am far to cranky to do.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m gonna go buy some shoes.

Song of the Week

Um. Of course.

In case you weren’t aware, the person behind this blog is serious kpop fangirl.

Ok well I take that back. I’m a BigBang fangirl who occasionally accepts that other kpop groups/singers exist.

But really. BigBang is the best.

And I, your dear blogger, have decided to ever so graciously instruct you all on the ways of kpop. So when it “happens” (cause I think it actually might this time) over here, you will not be caught unawares.


When I have time.

Regardless, enjoy the first release from BigBang’s new mini-album (I’ll explain that concept eventually) “Alive” called…”Blue”.

I defy you not to end up randomly singing “I’m singing my bluuuuuues” at some point today. Shit is catchy, yo.


Shikagoland Reads The Headlines

I’m too tired to really have any opinions, but because I love you people, I’ll try.

By all accounts, Jeremy Lin is having the best February ever. Or at least he was til ESPN decided to make racist headlines about him, Kim Kardashian set her sights on him, and then…well then there’s this:

Ma’am. Please tuck your thirst.

– I’m totally onboard with this. I mean why should anyone get into college because they fit some arbitrary category? Make everything level and have people get in on their merits! Oh wait…they aren’t talking about people who get into colleges because of legacies? Oh.

Its Packzi Day! – You know whats even more fun? Going to a bakery and buying them. I’m just saying. I went to a local bakery a picked up a delicious assortment…which I didn’t intend to do but they had a $10 minimum on credit card purchases. So. I ended up with chocolate custard, cheese, raspberry lemon, and plum. #fatgirlproblems

– But I’m not sure what the point is because if you’re not not caught up, they are spoilers and if you are caught up then its nothing new as all the trailers are made up of footage from previous seasons. And really, I didn’t need to ever see Joan and Roger screwing on the street ever again.

But I will take any opportunity to post this.

– Because my twitter feed blew up with the news last night, I felt compelled to listen to the  “Birthday Cake” remix. Please note that I had never heard the original but people seemed to like it a lot and I figured it might at least be something I could shake my butt to in the kitchen when no one was around (See also: ‘) but…wow. The song is pretty much crap. Which…well most of their songs are crap so I don’t know why I thought this would be different. Bygones.

– I would like to state for the record that I first saw these pictures while I was eating a raspberry lemon packzi. And then I cried tears made of a powdered sugar glaze. She may be talentless…and 98% biodegradable plastic…but her body is insane.

– Pearl clutchers the world ’round ask: who is watching the child of two incredibly wealthy people; nominate Angelina to adopt Blue Ivy for her own well-being. Next item on the agenda: Is that Beyonce’s real hair and will she let me touch it?

And finally:

Shikagoland Reads the Headlines

Its Valentine’s Day. The History Channel has seen fit to ruin my day by not airing their doc about about St. Valentine’s Day Massacre tonight as usual. I’m not sure whats more entertaining than grainy crime scene photos and dramatic narration but WHATEVER.

Let’s see whats going on in the news.

– Oh, well thats nice. Let’s see wha-…..OMG

“All I can promise is that I believe she will be quite happy tomorrow night,” Gingrich said. “I think for the first time in a while we have a private dinner and hopefully [can] exchange gifts, and reconnect a little bit.

I think I can speak on behalf of the American people when I say, EWWWWWWWWWW. Who really needs to think about a goblin and a femot getting it in first thing in the morning? Thats just un-American.

– 1. Dear Justin Timberlake: method acting is useless AFTER you’ve made the movie. 2. Spotify won’t give my computer VD. 3. Yes, Facebook is terrible. But myspace will ALWAYS be worse. 4. Justin Timberlake just seems like a huge douche. 5. Yes, I’m still bitter he broke up *NSYNC.

-I remember when I first started getting into kpop and kdramas. The concept of “couple t-shirts”, 100 day anniversaries, and love motels seemed so absolutely ridiculous. But now…well lets just say I have on more than one occasion mentally debated the cuteness of couple rings and goddammit I think the whole Valentine’s Day/White Day/foreveralone day Black Day tradition is super fun.

– Oh, thats nice. *eats another pink frosted sugar cookie*

: So, the fact that ANYONE would just accept rape is enough to make me vomit up my sugar cookie, but to suggest that women who are in service of country should EXPECT IT!? Apparently our military is full of testosterone pumped animals who simply CANNOT contain themselves around vaginas. Gross.

– Red box dvds, Krispy Kreme Donuts and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream? No comment.

: this country exhausts me sometimes, but there are glimmers of hope.

– Good for him. I still have eyes and I can gaze upon his intense flawlessness so really, everyone wins. Soooooo prettttyyyyyy. *faints*

I hope everyone enjoys their Valentine’s Day. Don’t be a jerk. And don’t celebrate “Single Awareness Day”. Thats just embarrassing.

A rapper and the Pope walk into an awards show…

So…that happened.

The Grammy Awards were held last night in Los Angeles, and as a dedicated pop culture junky there was no way I could miss it.

Because then what else would I tweet about? DUH.

A few of my favorite selections from last night:

Yes, I like the T Swizzle jokes

Last night also produced the trending topic   which gave me much joy and laughter. I simply CANNOT post any of those here, but feel free to peruse them yourselves. Pure. Comedy.

A few more random thoughts:

- Look, I eye-rolled Nicki Minaj as hard as everyone else last night, but lets all put the blame where it belongs: on Lady Gaga and the music buying public. Its not enough to be a marginally talented singer/rapper in cute outfits anymore, apparently. We are all living in the Haus that Gaga built and the only thing on the dinner table is EXTRA.

- I have no interest in Katy Perry in general. I find her generally annoying, especially with the whole “let me release a dozen remixes of my mediocre songs so I can beat MJ’s record”. Really, heffa. Could you not. That said, I really loved her Grammy dress. STUNNING.

- Does Jon Stamos know that he got kicked out of The Beach Boys?

- The Foo Fighters had my favorite performance of the night and even managed to throw a little #shade on the music industry while accepting their award. Whats not to love?


And lastly, as everyone knows, over the weekend we lost one of the greats: Whitney Houston. Like millions of others of a certain age, Whitney Houston looms large in my childhood memories. I sang into countless hairbrushes along to her songs. I have a inexplicable hatred for women named Susan. I used to listen to “I Will Always Love You” and try to time popping my eyes open before the final chorus like she did in the video. Whitney was a trailblazer. She will be sorely missed.

Irrational Fear Theater

This morning I woke up and the first thought in my head was : “oh crap, I’m gonna be 32 this year”.


I know that 40 is the new 30 and 30 is the new infant or something but…I’m not feeling it.

I’m not exceptionally worried about losing my looks (le black, it don’t crack or something), I’m not really pressed about gray hair (thats what dye is for), and I’m counting on modern science to have finally perfected a hover round vehicle that shall assist my mobility when I’m old (as soon as they are finished studying my kind, of course. Priorities).

What worries me? Well, I’ll let this alarmingly timely Jezebel (ugh yes I know) article tell it:

According to a by the Guttmacher Institute, 13% of men and 19% of women ages 18-29 think they’re probably infertile. Actually, only 6% of women in this age group are likely to be infertile, so women are overestimating their risk quite a bit. People who identified as Hispanic were more likely than those of other races to think they couldn’t conceive; guys were less likely to think they were infertile if they were college-educated, had taken sex ed, or, interestingly, were single. And at least among men, presumed infertility was linked to a cavalier attitude towards birth control — guys who figured their sperm didn’t work were more likely to say they’d probably have unprotected sex in the next three months.

First: guys who think they’re infertile? Shut the fuck up and put on that condom you whiny baby. Stop knocking up girls because of wishful thinking. WRAP IT UP. Maybe you’ve tempted the fates a few times and no one is calling you daddy (yet. You never know when Maury will come a callin’) but there is this thing called HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL. And the Plan B pill. And abortions. And adoptions. All things that you can ignore if you feel so inclined. So. No. Unless your swimmers didn’t make it past the Olympic trials (i.e. a fertility test) stop going around telling broads your junk is special needs. And ladies? Stop falling for it.

Moving on: for women, I don’t think this is simply a matter of misinformation, or not knowing how the female body works. I think that for a lot of women (or just me) these thoughts are borne out of paranoia. Plain and simple. You look around and what do you see? Friends who want to have children trying over and over to conceive. Celebrities popping out In Vitro-twins every five minutes. People looking at your empty womb and constantly asking when you plan on popping out a genetic match? Stumbling to the bathroom in the morning and looking at your own empty womb and asking YOURSELF that same question.

It can make a girl a little crazy. Years ago, I remember hearing the term “hostile uterus” on tv. I do not remember which show it was* but that phrase stuck with me. Thats how it started.

When I was on hormonal birth control I wondered if I would eventually have some sort of build up that would stop me from getting pregnant one day (apparently my uterus is a man made island of pill sediment). Every time I feel a weird pain in that general area? Its one of my tubes collapsing. Occasionally when I wake up with a full bladder (oh shut up. We’re all adults here) I get a little pain when I roll over in the morning. Clearly I just blew out an ovary. Heavy cramps? Probably because I’m purging all my eggs at once.

Really, I’m not uneducated. I’m just…influenced.

What we do have is a lot of yelling: don’t have sex ever! But start now and have babies right away! Have a baby ASAP, even without a partner! But single moms are selfish and horrible! Add to that the economic and social realities that make it hard to just decide to have kids one day (for every lady who’s like la-di-da I have plenty of time, I’d wager there are several who would like to procreate right now but lack the right job/health insurance/home/savings/partner), and you have an extremely confusing and difficult environment for anyone who might ever want to spawn.

Despite the fact that I have had regular checkups since I turned 19, have engaged in no risky behavior, never had an STD (being ignored by the opposite sex DOES pay off in peace of mind), and have enough cousins running around to attest to the general “fertile” stock I come from (to say nothing of the fact that my mom popped me out at 17. I wonder if dad told her he was infertile…), I still engage in this self-inflicted mental terror.

Having a kid would be just…the worst right now. I live in a one bedroom apartment. I don’t have a DOG for fear that I can’t care for it properly. I’m single. I don’t love my career. My “savings” are a joke. I like to drink. So. Really. Bad timing. If I got pregnant would it probably work out? Sure. I mean, I turned out ok. Its possible. But as much as society puts pressure on women to procreate, it also puts equal pressure on doing things the “right” way (see: the almost masturbatory need of her fans to point out that Beyonce, once of the richest women around, did it the “right” way by marrying Jay-Z and THEN having his kid. *eye roll*). Its an insane order to insist that young women spend a decade or so (going by average ages for first sexual experiences) shouldering the majority of the burden in not getting pregnant, only to then turn around and tell them they are screwing up by not having children once they reach some arbitrary (to their actual lives/circumstances) age.

So where does that leave me and other women like me?

Actual gift received by the author. No. I'm not kidding.

* A quick Google search tells me that the ol’ “hostile uterus” has been used on SEVERAL tv shows:  Sex and the City (Charlotte, which is surely the one I remember), Monica (Friends), Robin (How I Met Your Mother), and Meredith (Grey’s Anatomy). But yeah. We’re just crazy for internalizing this craziness. Ladies be trippin’.

Shikagoland Reads the Headlines

So here’s the thing: I LOVE TWITTER. Randomly dropping snark about whatever topic I wish? Genius. Love it. Sometimes it takes one tweet. Sometimes it takes 5. But I’m usually able to maximize my snark within character limit requirements. Which is awesome because I just fire off and move on.

But that doesn’t work so well with blogging.


I would like to introduce a segment I’ll call: Shikagoland Reads the Headlines.


Let us begin:

– (link includes cell phone video of the couple checking out with serious “U Mad?” expressions on their faces while people in the store whine passive aggressively) Douchebags. As much as Target pretends to be horrified by these types of events, I’m sure they really love it. However, this shit chafes my ass. Target special designer collections are the new ticket scalper. I hate ticket scalpers. Back in the olden days when Ticketmaster had locations in grocery stores I came home from college one weekend to buy concert tickets. *NSYNC concert tickets. Yes, in the olden days you could physically GO to a TM booth and BUY tickets. I know. Contain your shock.  I figured on the south side of Chicago, I was unlikely to encounter a crowd and I was all set. Imagine my surprise at showing up to find four old men already in line with a massive stack of cash. And what did they buy? *NSYNC tickets. LOTS of them. While I stood there and sharpened my comb into a shiv whined passive aggressively.

– I long for the time when the whackjob politicians with no chance in hell of winning the election were at least entertaining. Like Ross Perot. That mf’er was HILARIOUS.

- First, let me just say it is impossible to take this man seriously. Second, all you have to do to make him shut up is remind him that he used to look like this.

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier.

And I’m 100% sure that Michelle Obama never said anything in public about her “big black ass” because I don’t remember hearing about Bill O’Reilly experiencing a crippling orgasm live on air and then curling up in the fetal position under the anchor desk singing “is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” over and over. But. I’m behind on my news. I’ve been busy.

– Facebook. Herpes. All the same at this point.

– And somehow the thing that amazes me the most is that one of the kidnapped women asked their kidnappers to put out his cigarette as they were being…kidnapped and driven away in to the dessert.  She also refused coffee that was offered because she doesn’t like it. WORST.HOSTAGES.EVER.

– *ahem* I try not to get too personal here, but I am a massive kpop fangirl. So I’d just like to put out there that BigBang is amazing and I will go all hipster about it if they ever get really famous here. YOU WASN’T WITH ME ONLINE ORDERING CDS FROM KOREA and all that. I love them. And because I love you all….yeah I’m totally writing a post about them in the near future. Because I care. And want you to be informed. And then hopefully YG will see it and give me free concert tickets or something.

Let’s Party! And by party I mean continue to drink my coffee and nod my head along.

And then once we’re all fully awake, LETS PARTY FOR REAL!!!!

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