Shikagoland Reads the Headlines

So here’s the thing: I LOVE TWITTER. Randomly dropping snark about whatever topic I wish? Genius. Love it. Sometimes it takes one tweet. Sometimes it takes 5. But I’m usually able to maximize my snark within character limit requirements. Which is awesome because I just fire off and move on.

But that doesn’t work so well with blogging.

UNTIL NOW!

I would like to introduce a segment I’ll call: Shikagoland Reads the Headlines.

*bows*

Let us begin:

Terrible Couple Buys Out Target’s Entire Jason Wu Collection at Midtown Store – (link includes cell phone video of the couple checking out with serious “U Mad?” expressions on their faces while people in the store whine passive aggressively) Douchebags. As much as Target pretends to be horrified by these types of events, I’m sure they really love it. However, this shit chafes my ass. Target special designer collections are the new ticket scalper. I hate ticket scalpers. Back in the olden days when Ticketmaster had locations in grocery stores I came home from college one weekend to buy concert tickets. *NSYNC concert tickets. Yes, in the olden days you could physically GO to a TM booth and BUY tickets. I know. Contain your shock.  I figured on the south side of Chicago, I was unlikely to encounter a crowd and I was all set. Imagine my surprise at showing up to find four old men already in line with a massive stack of cash. And what did they buy? *NSYNC tickets. LOTS of them. While I stood there and sharpened my comb into a shiv whined passive aggressively.

Ron Paul tells Piers Morgan only ‘honest rape’ merits abortion – I long for the time when the whackjob politicians with no chance in hell of winning the election were at least entertaining. Like Ross Perot. That mf’er was HILARIOUS.

Karl Lagerfeld Calls Adele Fat, Loves the Obamas, and Says Something Weird About Pregnant Women - First, let me just say it is impossible to take this man seriously. Second, all you have to do to make him shut up is remind him that he used to look like this.

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier.

And I’m 100% sure that Michelle Obama never said anything in public about her “big black ass” because I don’t remember hearing about Bill O’Reilly experiencing a crippling orgasm live on air and then curling up in the fetal position under the anchor desk singing “is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” over and over. But. I’m behind on my news. I’ve been busy.

Over 3 years later, “deleted” Facebook photos are still online – Facebook. Herpes. All the same at this point.

AP Interview: Calif. women kidnapped in Egypt say captors were polite, served tea and snacks – And somehow the thing that amazes me the most is that one of the kidnapped women asked their kidnappers to put out his cigarette as they were being…kidnapped and driven away in to the dessert.  She also refused coffee that was offered because she doesn’t like it. WORST.HOSTAGES.EVER.

Big Bang Announces World Tour – *ahem* I try not to get too personal here, but I am a massive kpop fangirl. So I’d just like to put out there that BigBang is amazing and I will go all hipster about it if they ever get really famous here. YOU WASN’T WITH ME ONLINE ORDERING CDS FROM KOREA and all that. I love them. And because I love you all….yeah I’m totally writing a post about them in the near future. Because I care. And want you to be informed. And then hopefully YG will see it and give me free concert tickets or something.

Let’s Party! And by party I mean continue to drink my coffee and nod my head along.

And then once we’re all fully awake, LETS PARTY FOR REAL!!!!

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