Lets do better.

You…complete me.

1. Ryan Lochte’s new show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? debuted last night. It was, predictably, a hot ass mess. It was so obviously scripted and awkward and horribulous. But it was AMAZING. Or, as I described to a friend on twitter last night

@samira_86 it was cheezy and kind of horrible but it was also funny and random and had some charm…like Reezy himself I guess. lol

— Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) April 22, 2013

And while the show failed to give any satisfying answer to the question of what Ryan Lochte would do (or why we even want to know), what I already know is that Ryan does this.

And wins Olympic medals. So there.

(also, can we get some Cullen Jones cameos, E!? Thats my boo thang and Ryan actually, yannow, hangs out with him in real life. Yeesh)

2. Reese Witherspoon was riding shotgun when her husband got pulled over for a DUI and she was a total ass about it. When I started to read reactions about this I was shocked at how many people were surprised that Reese is…a entitled dick to put it plainly. She’s always come across as more Tracy Flick than Elle Woods (Elle would NEVER) to me and not saying that it automatically makes her a horrible human being…oh wait. It does. Not only did Reese invoke her white privilege American freedoms when refusing to stay in the car as asked by police (lets play switch the race and see if anyone makes it out without the cop pulling a gun), but when that didn’t work she pulled the good ‘ol “Do you know who I am” bit. What a charmer.

I can’t even…

3. TMZ continues to be trash, this time by following Blake Griffin of the LA Clippers (for those who don’t know…although I question your lives if you don’t) around and giving him shit about his race. The title they give this video is Blake Griffin’s Ethnicity — Not Exactly a Slam Dunk. These grease stains on the dry clean only shirts of life then go on to state that he is obviously white because he has red hair and freckles…but then conclude that he probably is black because he can dunk. I just….

Hi Blake, I love your smedium sweater…wait what?….Ryan Lochte?…oh, don’t worry about him baby. That was so two bullet points ago

Like, honest question: can you really look at this kid and think he isn’t at the very least biracial (which he is)? Frankly I wouldn’t even assume him to be biracial. NEWSFLASH: Black people come in all different skintones! Did I just blow your mind? Black people be having freckles and red hair y’all. And blonde hair. And dark brown hair. And light brown hair. And black hair. I KNOW, right!? Crazy. Maybe this is just one of those black things that nobody understands.

That said

If i wasn’t a older lady I would give Blake Griffin some lovely ethnically unambiguous children…

— Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) April 21, 2013

*whistles innocently*

4. In other sports adjacent news, some jerkoff from Peoria is suing Derrick Rose. Matthew Thompson alleges that Rose being out for these season has caused him multiple nervous breakdowns and made him get fat and PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB. Dear assclown: I’m pretty sure Derrick Rose had a much harder time dealing with a torn ACL, yannow with his whole career and future earning potential on the line, than you did while crying Coors Light flavored tears into your off brand cheesy poofs. Derrick Rose will come back next season and lead the Bulls to GLORAY (yes, GLORAY) and you will still be a pathetic whiner who couldn’t hit a fadeaway jumper on NBA 2K13 with a cheat code let alone on a actual basketball court. Go away.

I know, Derrick, I know. What? Blake Griffin? Shhh….

5. The Koch brothers are looking to buy the Chicago Tribune, among other newspapers and THIS IS SO BAD. OMG SO BAD. SO. BAD. Unless you’re a tea party conservative then its BAWSE and thats nice for you but please get off my blog. We have no place for your kind here SORRY. As best I can figure logic here is that Fox News just isn’t cutting it anymore so lets buy newspapers and write nothing but stories equivalent to “No liberalz and uteresez allowed” and that will totally make people vote for them next election cycle. Or something. You know how last week everyone was passing around little bon mots about people who didn’t know the difference between Chechnya and the Czech Republic? Well. These are the kind of assclowns who dictate what goes in textbooks. So…

America…fuck yeah oh fuck.

6. Hey guys? Remember how North Korea was totally gonna bomb the shit out of us…or at least they were until the American media got some other shit to talk about? Yeah.

7. And sadly, we end on a down note but Chrissy Amphlett of the Divinyls passed away yesterday. Chrissy gifted us with a karaoke ready anthem that women everywhere, after being slightly over served, have belted out with gusto in public and private. She will be missed.

When preparing for my trip to South Korea I did my level best to read up on the country. Despite my fondness for Korean food, music, and television, I didn’t know a ton about South Korea, and Seoul in particular. Sadly, for a country that has so much worth visiting, its pretty hard to find useful information. While websites like the Korean Tourism Organization have some information most of it is…dry. I tried consulting travel go-tos like Lonely Planet only to be faced with 15 day itineraries for flinging yourself around South Korea at warp speed. No thanks.

Seoul is a city that cannot fail to give you any kind of travel experience you desire. And while it was great to discover these things on my own, there were more than a few moments where I thought “I wish I would have known xyz before I got here”.

Shikagoland cares. So if you’re curious about Seoul or planning a trip yourself, I bring you…

Stuff You Don’t Know About Korea, But Should: Shikagoland Style

The title needs work. Its a process.

1. Walking around Seoul: the never-ending lunge – You see that beautiful picture I posted above? That serene view from palace grounds looking at the mountains that surround Seoul? Gorgeous, right? Well, Seoul isn’t exactly built on a random stretch of flatlands near mountains. No sir. Seoul IS a damn mountain. Look, I’m from the Midwest, the only hills I encounter are pre-programmed into a stationary bike, so having to come to grips with seemingly never-ending staircases (if you were lucky) or streets that inclined to the heavens was daunting. South Korean girls and women navigate this terrain in sky-high heels. You are not them. Don’t even try. Stretch and hydrate. Wear comfy shoes. Enjoy how good your legs look after a few days.

The horror

Pro-tip: Bring your hiking appropriate footwear. The trails leading up to Namsan Tower are absolutely beautiful and one of the things I want to do most when I go back is hike up there instead of taking the Mordor like journey via cable cars and elevators and weirdly deep stairs.

2. In a city with so many people personal space is a foreign concept – Seoul is a city roughly the same size as my sweet home Chicago. The population of Chicago? About 2.7 million. The population of Seoul? About 11 million. Let that simmer for a moment. And if you’re claustrophobic (like me) take a few deep breaths and a few drags off your inhaler if necessary. Spend even five minutes in Seoul and its hard to ignore that there are just so many people everywhere. Crowded trains, crowded restaurants, packed buses, an avalanche of people coming towards you when crossing the street. Its intense. So it’s no surprise that Seoul residents (Seoulites? IDK) aren’t exactly bothered about being in close quarters. But as an American, I’ve grown comfortable with the idea that I should expect to enjoy a certain invisible barrier between myself and other people. I realized this was not a universal thought process a few years ago in San Francisco in an incident that almost lead to tears of frustration while waiting in line to ride the cable car with a pair of European tourists literally breathing on my neck. So basically be prepared for being sandwiched into train cars with someone’s elbow perilously close to your back. And on the bright side, occasionally that elbow will belong to a gorgeous dark-haired stranger in an impeccably tailored three-piece suit and…wait..where was I going with this?

This is not a drill

Pro-tip: Don’t bother trying to be polite when entering and exiting subway trains in Seoul. People seem universally committed to the “push and be pushed” way of life and its an extreme waste of time to do anything different. Don’t go all WWE about it, but unless you’re prepared to gently shove your body past others, you’ll spend a lot of time watching train doors close in your face because you didn’t get on/off the train in time. Accept it. Roll with it.

3. Korean buses are death machines and if you die in Korea they will likely be the cause – Ok, thats a little dramatic but really. Crossing streets in Korea qualifies as a near death experience. So much so that after the first day as pedestrians we decided that we wouldn’t cross a street unless we were at the curb the moment the “walk” sign flashed. Anything less was taking your life in your hands. The average Korean motorist seems to take a YOLO approach to the rules of the road but none more so than city bus drivers. These are not the mostly empty gentle machines you see waif like actresses crying on in Korean dramas. These are big mean death machines. On at least three occasions I was forced to confront the possibility that my mom would have to fly to Seoul to claim my body and if there was a way to warn her off the pasta as a in-flight meal from beyond the grave.

Psy definitely not included

Pro-tip: When getting around the city, stick to trains. Download the Metroid app (be sure to download the extra English language extension when prompted) or something similar (one you can use without being connected to the internet is key) and travel your heart out. While the buses run all over, it can be a lot harder to know what bus to get on/stop to get off on if you’re not familiar with the area. The subways have plenty of maps and signs in English and the announcements are made in Korean and English (and in Mandarin at some stops). And while cabs are plentiful, we had very little luck when presenting them with addresses. YMMV however.

4. You are not going to be able to understand the address system in Korea so don’t even try. – Of course maybe you’re a genius but to my American brain, addresses in Korea were totally useless because they didn’t seem to follow any logic that I could pick up. I’m 100% sure that there is a system there but a week in Seoul is not enough time to decipher it.

*shrugs*

Pro-tip: When at all possible get your directions in the form of train stop/exits/landmarks. Unlike most American transit systems, the right exit in a train station can make or break the ease of getting to your destination. The train station near our guesthouse had NINE different exists which could put you in a completely different part Hongdae (the area we were staying in). Tourist maps will usually provide this information and so will the websites of some places. Be vigilant about this.

5. Learn to speak some Korean - Anything you read about Korea will make it clear that there is lots of English to be found in Korea. I have already mentioned that train announcements and signs, etc will be in English. You may have read about how Korean students are taught English in school. And yes, you surely CAN get by in Seoul without knowing any Korean. But…don’t be that person. Yes, Korean is a VERY difficult language to learn, but isn’t that part of the fun? And when it comes to Koreans speaking English, while you will occasionally run into someone who is VERY eager to practice their English with foreigners…think back to your years of studying Spanish/French/etc in school. How comfortable would you really have been rambling off to a native speaker? Exactly. It’s best to have a few key phrases in your pocket. Although I will cop to the fact that after nearly a year of (lazy) Korean language study, I’m still not 100% confident on which phrase I use to say goodbye. It’s a process.

Pro-tip: Talk To Me In Korean is a great (free!) resource for picking up some Korean.

6. You aren’t expected to know how to do anything correctly - Yes, yes, I just went on about not being an ignorant foreigner and I think most well-meaning people will try to study up on the traditions of a country they are visiting. But while Korean society operates by a seemingly never-ending list of societal rules you aren’t expected to know any of them. You get a pass for being a foreigner. Accept it. Be ok with it. They are. If you don’t remember to hold your money by both hands when handing it to someone? Don’t sweat it. Although the teacher’s pet in me lives for the look of “oh, snap!” in a Korean shopkeepers eyes when I conduct a transaction properly or speak Korean, I wasn’t always perfect. I never made my younger travel buddy serve me a drink first. I only bowed about half as many times as would have been appropriate. I laughed too loud on the train. I apologized and begged pardon too many times (this is SO American of me and basically was always met with confused looks). You are a guest in this country and you should conduct yourself with dignity and respect for the culture you’re sampling, but don’t flog yourself for honest mistakes. Its ok. You are not going to single-handedly help or hinder anyone’s opinions of your countrymen (ESPECIALLY if you are American. Just forget it).

This is what we might consider as sweating the small stuff

7. Seoul has a drinking culture. Give in.  - If you’d like a quick and fun way to endear yourself to Koreans? Saddle on up and order some soju. When dining out for dinner it was rare to see a table that didn’t have one of those glorious green bottles sitting upon it (and/or beer). Me and soju go way back but drinking soju in Korea is a completely different experience because 1. Its WAY cheaper in Korea (the quickmart in my neighborhood sells soju for about $5 a bottle which is just slightly less offensive that the $14 and up some restaurants charge, meanwhile in Korea its about $1.50 a bottle). 2. Its WAY stronger in Korea. This…is not a problem. Roll with it. Drink it in restaurants. Drink it outside in the park. No one will judge you. YOLO and whatnot.

I may not look as hot Lee Hyori when I drink soju but after a few bottles of you’d have a hard time convincing me of that.

Pro-tip: Mixing soju and Chilsung Cider (a Korean soft drink that is like Sprite but WAY BETTER) is the move. You’re welcome.

8. Seoul just might be the safest major city on Earth – Yannow, aside from that ongoing war with North Korea thing (I kid, I kid). Being a born and bred big city girl there are just things that are instinct to me: not digging in my purse while walking down the street, being wary of strangers standing too close to me, not wandering darkened unfamiliar streets buzzed and lost at 3am (yeah that happened), etc. You know what you don’t have to worry about in Seoul? Any of those things. At first it astounded me that people would get up from a table to go to the bathroom or something and leave their purses, cell phones, and laptops behind. Everything I’ve been taught my entire life tells me that doing so would quickly leave me without those items. Not so with Seoul, my friends. I’m sure there is crime. Somewhere. But it’s definitely not on the level that I’m used to…then again I live in a city that has developed its own terminology for getting your iPhone stolen on the train (for the record, its called “apple picking” SO RUDE).

9. Shop people are REALLY helpful and they probably don’t assume you’re gonna steal – Remember that thing up there about personal space? It extends to shopping but in a slightly different way. I first noticed this while shopping in Etude House, a makeup/skin care shop (think Sephora but pinker) in Hongdae. From the moment we walked in (on my first night in Seoul)there was a store employee dogging my every step. It freaked me out and I couldn’t handle it and bolted out of the store. I immediately got REALLY mad and was like “AHHH THIS RACISM IS TEARING ME APART” but after a few days of shopping in Seoul I realized…thats just how it is. Every store I went into had FAR more employees than their American equivalent would have, all standing around waiting to participate in this bizarre ritual called customer service. A few days later when I determined that I wanted to gift some of my lady friends back home with things from Etude I went back and…well yes I ignored the girl following me around because it STILL freaked me out (it was intense, like the moment I LOOKED at a display of nail polishes she was RIGHT THERE imploring me to try it on) but I knew in my heart she was just doing her job. As was the girl who chased after me to hand me a load of free samples after I made my huge purchase. However…

REALLY!?

10. Leave Seoul - Actually, I’m sure the guidebooks do tell you to leave Seoul. They just don’t tell you that you really have to give yourself a lot of time IN Seoul first and once you do that you will be loath to leave. This is something I have to remind myself of for my next trip. Seoul is a fantastic city, but I’m sure the rest of South Korea isn’t lacking in awesome.

Honorable Mention – Even though I consider myself an open-minded person of the world, I have to admit that one of the things I worried about most on this trip was how Koreans would view me. In simpler terms I was worried about being discriminated against because of my race. I’d heard it all, young kids will be afraid of you, teenagers will love you, old people will hate you, Koreans love white people (bonus to my travel companion), Koreans love “black culture” but hate black people, etc, etc.  As a diminutive rotund busty black woman I am basically the physical opposite of a Korean person so I had a more than a little fear in my heart. I also had a hole in my net worth created by that mind numbingly expensive plane ticket so I wasn’t going to let it stop me from having a good time. And guess what? I did. And some people ignored me. Some people looked at me weird. Some people were very happy we were there (shoutout to those adorable girls from Pusan University that we met at one of the palaces). Some people were amused at what I knew about Korea (shoutout to the ajumma I bought my kimbap from on the street). Most people are just going about their lives unconcerned about you.  I garner many of the same reactions from people in my own country so…yeah. Koreans are people. And people are capable of a wide range of feelings, reactions, thoughts, and emotions independently of one another. Fancy that.

In conclusion, when I first started planning this trip, the most common reaction I got was “I’ve never heard of anyone going to Korea on vacation”. Well. Now you have. BOOM

Is it time to go back yet?

*I’m not an expert on Korea, Koreans, languages, travel, etiquette, or anything really. All of the above is just my opinion informed by my experiences. Take it as such. Thx.

My trip to Seoul was, to steal a cheesy phrase, the trip of a lifetime. I love Seoul more than I thought I possible, and while I’m definitely not picking up and moving there any time soon (I’m ‘merican through and through) I can’t wait to visit again…and again…basically as much as my ability to save money will allow.

I’ve struggled with how to write this and make it more than just “I did this, and went here, and did that” kind of thing because I don’t think thats really all that compelling in written form (right right, its never stopped me before I get it, you’re hilarious) and I think I may have finally pieced it together. So, coming soon…

In the meantime enjoy some beautiful pictures of beautiful Seoul.

That really tells you all you need to know about Leadbelly but I’ll thrown in a few dozen more words.

I heard about Leadbelly all of two days ago and knew I needed to try it immediately. Luckily, my mom is always game for a Sunday brunchtime adventure, especially after I assured her that Leadbelly served beer.

You have to know your audience.

Leadbelly is located on a quiet stretch of Irving Park Road, so far west that for most of you its gonna be a trek. Don’t let that deter you, its worth it. Parking is pretty easily achieved (we didn’t even have to pay), and if you’ve got the time to kill, the #80 Irving Park bus stops nearby.

On to the most important part. THE FOOD.

There are a few options for burgers. The patties are made of a combination of beef and smoked pork belly (drooooooooooooool) but there is also the option of substituting with a breaded chicken breast or a vegetarian option which seems to defeat the point but whatever I don’t judge served up on a freshly baked (in house) bun.

I opted for the Easy Rider which comes with bacon, cheddar cheese, sirracha pickles, and bourbon bbq sauce.

Hay boo

I rarely go for a topping anything more complicated than salt and ketchup for my fries, especially in a case like Leadbelly where they are handcut but i must admit, some kind of mania took over me and I ordered the Pico fries which come topped with chili cheese fritos, pico de gallo, and chipotle cream sauce.

Hello, lover

Mom a fan of anything involving blue cheese ordered the Black Betty which comes topped with blue cheese, smoked bacon, onion straws, and buffalo blue sauce. For a side she got the garlic Parmesan fries.

She was happy

In addition to delicious burgers Leadbelly has an assortment of local brews and craft beers on tap and in the bottle. I was looking forward to a nice Revolution Ale with my burgers (at all of 11am) but I got distracted by…

a bloody mary bar! Whee!!! You have the option of house or Absolut vodka as the base for your drink. We both went with the Absolut Peppar which is always a winner for a bloody mary in my book.

The best part of waking up…

Because I’d opted for the bloody mary (because what Sunday brunch is complete without it?) I thought that I wasn’t going to have the stomach space to try out one of the adult milkshakes on the menu.

I didn’t…but I did it anyway.

WORTH IT

I went for the Kansas City Papa, a deightful concoction of chocolate ice cream, Bailey’s Irish Cream, and Peppermint Schnapps, topped with whipped cream and pulled sugar as a garnish. SO major. Save room.

And then, just when I thought it was all over…I noticed a little package I had previously overlooked on my tray.

*waves white flag*

The Leadbelly butter cookie topped with white and milk chocolate and crushed pecans which comes free with your burger.

I love Leadbelly.

The Cliff Notes Version

Leadbelly – 5739 W Irving Park Rd (between Menard Ave & Major Ave)

Hours: Pretty short hours (think Hot Doug’s style) and they vary. Check the website. But be warned, their policy is that when the buns are gone, so are they. Go early and often.

Service: a little slow when ordering and paying, but most of the hiccups are easily attributed to the newness of the restaurant. Everyone was super friendly and all three of the staff members working the front stopped by our table at least once. These are not McDonald’s burgers so expect to wait 10+ minutes for your order to be ready.

The space: rock posters on the wall, tvs showing music videos and concerts, and the red/black/chrome color scheme create to the vibe. Its rock club cool without the sticky floors. There isn’t a great deal of seating (a few 4 tops, one 6 top, and counter seating along the front window) so if its really important to dine in, be prepared to wait it out or plan around opening hours.

Challenge accepted

Crappy smartphone photography courtesy of me

I’m not sure if you guys know this about me but…I’m old.

Like, not jello for lunch in the rec room at Shady Pines old…but close enough.

The kind of old where leaving my house at 9pm on a Friday is enough to cause a existential crisis. Its just…not done.

But as luck would have it a band I REALLY like was playing a show at a venue I’ve been really wanting to check out. Awesome right?  Whats that? The show starts at 10? And there are two bands BEFORE the band I wanna see? Um…

Lesson learned: look at show times before purchasing tickets. In my excitement about the extremely sweet price of $10 for a concert ticket I neglected to note the start time. WELP.

Anyways, here we have it: Shikagoland’s first concert review time writing about a concert I went to cause let’s keep it real, I’m no music critic.

Date: March 1, 2013

Venue: Lincoln Hall, Chicago

Headliner: Pet Lions (EP release party/show)

Openers: Brother George and Minor Characters

The Venue

Photo Courtesy of the Lincoln Hall Facebook Page

Oh, Lincoln Hall, how I love you. Let me count the ways.

I’m pretty sure that this quote won’t ever end up in any of their advertising but…Lincoln Hall is the perfect concert hall for slightly cranky32 year olds the more mature set who still like to go out and live it up occasionally but would prefer not to take home someone else’s vomit on their shoes and beer on their jeans. From the completely orderly will call situation (takes notes, Aragon), to the coat check (my days of “whatevs we’re just getting out and out of cabs, who needs a coat!?” are long behind me), the multiple bars (and awesome waitress in the main hall), proper ventilation (so sue me, I like to have a side of oxygen with my music), balcony seating, and the PHENOMENAL sound…basically I want to see every band I like play here and only here for the rest of my life. Can they just hold Lollapalooza here? Cause that would save me a LOAD of trouble…and sunburn.  Don’t hesitate. If you are even mildly interesting in a show being held here just GO. You’ll thank me later.

The Openers

The first band to take the stage was Brother George who I had never heard of before that night but enjoyed a great deal. The show was livened up by the small group of underage DePaul students writhing in what I’m sure they thought was a seductive fashion in front of the stage. Ah. Youth. How adorable. All that aside, Brother George had a solid set and I’d love to catch them around the city somewhere again.

The second band to take the stage was Minor Characters and…look. I just…I hated them. I’m sorry. There is no objectivity to be had here. From the moment they took the stage I was like…no. Just no. My experience is best summed up in the following:

Tonight so far: liked the first band Brother George, FakeDrunk depaul chicks, want to do harm to the lead singer of the 2nd band.

—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) March 02, 2013

Opening act, first verse: @xicacha and I, at same time: "Oh, honey, no."

—
Brinda Gupta (@gomonkeygo) March 02, 2013

@xicacha I miss the first band that was Eddie Vedder, Boomhauer/long-haired guy from Hootie, and three guys from the Decemberists.

—
Brinda Gupta (@gomonkeygo) March 02, 2013

Thems fighting words RT @gomonkeygo: @xicacha I'm gonna buy a CD from this second band for you.

—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) March 02, 2013

And then it got ugly.

Currently suffering through the most offensive cover of Prince's "I Would Die For You" as done by Duckie's swagger jacking nephew. I cannot.

—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) March 02, 2013

Yeah. So. That happened.

Sorry.

Other people seemed to like them. They had lots of fans in the audience (including a girl who snagged a seat at our table…I realized too late that she was a friend of the band. WHOOPS.). Its just a matter of personal taste.

Ugh. Now I feel like a dick.

And then finally:

I’ve spoken on this blog before about how much I love Pet Lions. But as my back luck would have it, I’ve only been able to see them at festivals so I was super pumped to see them in a concert setting.

You guys…I STILL LOVE PET LIONS.

The show was in celebration (is that the right word? OMG I’m so uncool) of the release of their new EP Popular Nature.

I’m not a real music reviewer. Or a writer. Contain your shock. If I was either of those things I would have taken note of a setlist. But…by the time Pet Lions took the stage I was cruising down Intoxication Highway and feeling fine so…

But you know that feeling when the band you like plays “your” song at their concert? I got that feeling multiple times that night. Slow Wave, Lightning Bolt, Thieves, Fifteen, etc. I got my life each time. And then I realized that ALL of their songs are “my” song. (omg so deep). I love this band.

And then

The hot guy in the band we didn't like joined the band we did for a song JUST LIKE WE SUGGESTED. @xicacha

—
Brinda Gupta (@gomonkeygo) March 02, 2013

BOOM. Night made. A cover of “More Than This”? Are you serious? I felt like that was a little love note to old broads like myself.

In short:

Bassists are always the hottest guys in the band.

Covering the stage with potted ferns is…random but I dig it. Unless it blocks the cute bassist. Then its a problem.

Even if you don’t like a band, a lead singer giving a shout out to his mom is adorable.

Drunk DePaul girls in binding clothing and high heels will one day become cranky 30 somethings in jeans and boots laughing at drunk DePaul girls at shows. The circle of life.

Lincoln Hall is all the things.

Pet Lions are the best.

I can't remember the last time I stayed at a bar til closing. May regret it late but I had a blast tonight with @gomonkeygo

—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) March 02, 2013

I, Shikagoland am not a fan of Beyonce.

*holds for gasping and wailing and praying over my dead withered soul*

This is what ALL my nightmares look like.

I have often pondered whether or not I should address this topic on my blog but I have refrained because:

1. Beyonce stans are crazy and I’m not interested in a flame war.
2. I’m lazy.
3. Beyonce stans TERRIFY ME.
4. It doesn’t matter.
5. Did I mention the stans?

Anyways, this morning I saw some rumblings on Twitter about Beyonce’s supposed risque costume and dance routine at the Super Bowl.

Um, what?

In the interest of full disclosure, I missed most of her performance. By coincidence the salmon I had cooking was done JUST as the lights dimmed in the stadium (well. The time it happened on purpose anyway) and I may have taken extra time chopping the olives and capers for my salad and….ok. That was all on purpose. I did make it back in the living room in time to see her assign Kelly and Michelle their roles as backup singers on HER song (which is just…never mind), notice Kelly’s newly acquired  jelly (ma’am I am SO READY), and realize that Michelle’s mic wasn’t even on. So shady.

The point is, I didn’t see the whole show. So I clicked on a link to a Today Show article detailing Beyonce’s alleged offenses…

And then I got mad.

And then I went to twitter. As I do. (and if you’ve ever wondered why I never get around to blogging? Twitter is to blame. ALWAYS)

Shikagoland Proudly Presents: In Which The Author Has To Defend Beyonce First Thing on A Monday Morning and Feels Extremely Icky About It Because OMG Beyonce is a Fembot And I Just Can’t With Her

*ahem*

So. Y'all know how I feel about y'all savior. I don't mind her music but I don't think its anything to get hyped over. Its mediocre.—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

(I actually liked more songs on "4" than any of her other solo works but thats not where we are right now)—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

But let me state for the record: 1. The Today Show is shady as ALL POSSIBLE FUCKS for the pictures they used in that fuckass article.—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

2. Madonna. 3. Britney Spears. 4. Ke$ha 5. Katie Perry 6. Christina Aguilera I could go on.—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

Hmmmm…I wonder what the difference is….

About the ONLY current pop star who ain't regularly poppin' dat pussy on a handstand is Taylor Swift and thats because her brand is "purity"—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

I have LONGED for a opportunity to use the phrase “pop dat pussy on a handstand” in this blog for AGES.

So I ask you, what the fuck is the difference. Katie Perry shoots frosting out her tits and she's refreshing and cheeky—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

Beyonce stands on stage as a grown ass woman and does some half assed twerking (look ya girl ain't the best dancer) and the media has a prob—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

IT. PAINS. MY. SOUL to defend that fembot. PAINFUL. Her "image" makes my spleen cringe but you assholes have officially gone too far.—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

And risque costumes!? Her whole wardrobe during the neverending hell that was the Single Ladies "era" (ugh. stan speak) was JUST A LEOTARD—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

Oh. But lastly. Because this ALWAYS needs to be said. FUCK JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

Also, his new song SUCKS. And the fact that he was never made to answer for this abomination of a “song”….well…

This fool left a performer from the same holy lineage as Michael Jackson out to dry and y'all keep letting him live. NAWL—
Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) February 04, 2013

Ok, I wandered a but at the end there, but you get my point.

There is plenty to criticize Beyonce for (despite what her devotees claim), but wearing a leotard and dancing during the half time show ain’t it.

Anyways, the REAL winner of the Super Bowl was all of us who got to feast on the hotness of Colin Kaepernick in those pre-game packages Kelly Rowland. Red beans and rice ain’t missed her.

Oh, Mr. President *sobs*

The first thing I saw when I turned on my tv yesterday was this happening in real time.

Because John Mayer and Katy Perry taking pictures with a mini version of Aretha Franklin’s hat on a stick is whats important. Whatever.

Michelle Obama’s nephew rocked a high top fade to the Inauguration and the lightskinned one from Kid N’ Play feels some kinda way about it. When reached for comment the rest of the world said:

Lupe Fiasco performed at a pre Inauguration reception and acted like an ass and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*ahem*

When reached for comment, the rest of world said:

Apparently Beyonce lipsynced the national anthem and Twitter is in an ABSOLUTE MELTDOWN as her stans rush to drag and drop anyone who speaks against their Queen. I have no official comment on the matter so…have a Beyonce gif.

For what its worth, you try singing outside on a frigid day and tell me how clear YOU sound.

However…

<blockquote><p>Lets not act like you heathens wouldn’t come for someone else who sang a pre-recorded anthem and say how your queen would never. C’mon son.</p>&mdash; Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) <a href=”https://twitter.com/xicacha/status/293780507999748097″>January 22, 2013</a></blockquote>

and also…

<blockquote><p>The real question is….did Kelly sing live? Cause if she did…well…*files nails*</p>&mdash; Mojo Jojo (@xicacha) <a href=”https://twitter.com/xicacha/status

Speaking of Kelly Clarkson

That happened.

And lastly: The First Lady wore red Jason Wu and the President wore the same tux her wore at the last inaugurations but…oh who cares. JUST LOOK AT THEM OMGGGGG

And lastly, Grandpa wrestles shark with bare hands to save swimming toddlers – Oh, that Joe Biden. He never ceases to am– oh. Not about him? Are….are you sure? Oh.

I mean, I’m just saying. He looks like he wrestles sharks in his free time.

We keep it classy here in Shikagoland

The last few months have been insanely busy at the job that allows me to pay for silly things like my internet connection and the computer I use to write this blog, which means things have gotten a little dicey and…lacking in content around these parts.

This post isn’t gonna help with that much.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has ever visited Shikagoland. Whether you ended up here on purpose, or because you were searching for something else (“Taeyang” was the most popular search term that led visitors here. Nearly a thousand times. I applaud your excellent taste) I’m glad you stopped by.

I have so many things in the works for my little space on the web (seriously!) and I can’t wait to share all of it with you guys this year.

Happy New Year! And stay tuned.

P.S. I’M GOING TO KOREA IN THE SPRING. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

P.P.S. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no rationale for posting this besides OMG TEH BABY HIPPO!!!!!!!!!

Its a short holiday week. Take a deep breath folks, we can do this.

There is a podcast put out by the fine folks at NPR that I occasionally listen to when I’m having trouble sleeping. Not because its boring, but because those measured steady NPR voices are so soothing and relaxing. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. ANYWAYS, on the NPR Pop Culture Podcast at the end of the show they do a segment where they go around the table and list the things making them happy this week. So…I guess I’m stealing that today. Feels like a good way to start a holiday week, right?

Let’s go!

1. Psy goes Hammertime at the AMA awards – I used to be all in for awards shows of any kind, but I’ve found that as I get older, my tolerance for Hollywood circle jerks shrinks. Plus I’ve gotten to that golden period of life where you point at the tv and go “who the fuck are all these little kids? In my day music was GOOD” completely ignoring the fact that in my day we did the macarena and listened to *NSYNC. ANYWAYS, last night I suffered through the American Music Awards (the People’s Choice Awards for music basically) because Psy was performing (this is the time where I could remind everyone that I pegged “Gangnam Style” as the next big thing on this very blog back in July but whatever. Ya’ll don’t really hear me. You just wanna dance). Of course I had to suffer til the last five minutes of the show but…WORTH IT.

I had heard rumors about who was going to perform with Psy last night, and about an hour before it happened I had accepted that MC Hammer was going to ruin this for me. I’m willing to admit I was wrong. And yes, I’ve already purchased the official mashup on iTunes and YOU SHOULD TOO. PSY OPPA 대박!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. This tweet

So in love it's sickening—
  (@gabifresh) November 19, 2012

I don’t personally know Gabi. I follow her on Twitter and read her extremely awesome blog GabiFresh religiously and I think she is fab. What I’m saying is that I have no personal investment in her life, but when this tweet showed up on my timeline last night it immediately put a smile on my face. Not because I can relate (the only thing I’m currently in love with is the pan of brownies I have waiting on me at home), but because its just awesome to see a small but genuine expression of emotion while trudging through the sludge that twitter can be comprised of most of the time.

3. This song

And Spotify for bringing it to my life. I don’t listen to the radio these days so I rely on twitter and Spotify to alert me to things I should care about. Twitter recently put me up on to Kendrick Lamar and I CANNOT STOP listening to his newest album. “Backseat Freestyle” makes me wanna go do hoordat stuff with my friends. I’m gonna assume that its ok that instead I do a undignified jig in my kitchen to it while washing dishes.

Anyways, back to the above video, I’d heard of Macklemore before (one of athletes I stan for, JR Celski, stans for them…the circle of life) but hadn’t really checked out their music. I’m stubborn that way…and I really don’t listen to a lot of hip hop. But this song is the rare gem that emerged from the Spotify 100, which is usually overloaded with Drake and Justin Beiber songs. Its highly possible that everyone else has already heard of and gotten over this song. Whatever. I can’t be on the cutting edge of EVERYTHING. Yeesh.

4. Its almost Thanksgiving – I actually only care about this because I have a short week at work. Thanksgiving is never fun for me because I have to make Thanksgiving dinner. This is what happens when your mother doesn’t cook. Instead of going out on Black Wednesday and doing hoodrat stuff with my friends, I have to stay home and do Thanksgiving prep work. *sigh*

5. Seungri from Big Bang has a Twitter – and it is bringing me all the things I need. So far he has trolled “fake” Seungri Twitter feeds:

@seungri_YG Hi!! Fake Seungri!? I'm Real Seung ri! Why Did U do that!? your not! seungri … !!!!!!!! Take Off your Mask!!!!!—
Seung Ri (@ForvictoRi) November 19, 2012

Instructed fan accounts to change their avatars…because he doesn’t like the pictures they used:

@Seungrifacts I don't Like that main Picture that's like…… Babo …—
Seung Ri (@ForvictoRi) November 19, 2012

Reminded Ashton Kutcher that they met once:

@aplusk Hey! Do U remember me!! We met the 3 days ago in L.A! SlS!!!! http://t.co/kKvU3wUW—
Seung Ri (@ForvictoRi) November 19, 2012

And followed President Obama.  As one does.

Its worth noting that Seungri has had a twitter for all of 5 hours and has over 70 tweets. Those are rapidly approaching my kind of numbers. Maybe Seungri is my kpop kindred spirit? Am I a Strong Baby? Only time will tell.

So friends, what is making you happy this week? Let me know!

Get in the car, loser. Its Friday.

Last night I was listening to my favorite podcast The Black Guy Who Tips (if you don’t listen to them yet I demand you start IMMEDIATELY. Jesus, what is wrong with you?) and I fell asleep. Thats no reflection on the podcast but I was sleepy. And in bed. With the lights off. It happens. Anywhoo, some time later I woke up out of a dead sleep and heard this:

This is not one of those situations where I can’t accurately describe the sheer WTF that is this video. Just watch it. I’ll wait.

I KNOW, RIGHT!? Homegirl is singing a gospel song about fried chicken. She likes it with rice. She wants to stay thick for YOU, Jesus. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that Jesus isn’t the cute Mexican guy at work. She is not here for your weak ass fish or turkey. She has a deep spiritual cavity that can only be filled by CHICKEN. No word yet on how she feels about fresh lettuce, three cheeses, ranch dressing, and tasty flour tortillas.

I’m not really sure what it says about humans in general that this is not the only gospel ode to the joys of high blood pressure. I present Exhibit B:

I love the internet.
Happy Friday everyone!