Too High to Get Over, Too Low To Get Under

Archive for the tag “Facebook”

Shikagoland Reads the Headlines

Yeah yeah yeah.
Worst blogger ever.

Lets move on.

and as a girl who has NEVER been able to keep the seams on her stockings straight…I am intensely excited about it. But lest you think Dita’s tome will only cover the finer points of keeping your skin vampire white and having really really shiny hair, please read this quote from the diva herself: “My beauty book is going to be totally different from what’s out there. I’m going to tell you that you have to pluck the nipple hairs off your nipples before a date—I’m here to tell you that.” AMEN, sister.
Wino Forever Winona Ryder is apparently. I was excited about this for about 36 seconds and then I remembered that I can just go watch the old one whenever I want. Look, you guys got away with actually having a cartoon based off that movie that wasn’t total crap. Quite while you’re ahead.

You can’t improve on perfection, folks.
While the rest of the internet was working itself up into a lather over some new tech toy that is almost exactly the same as a product they already have the iPad mini, Zynga, pushers of Facebook games like Farmville and Cityville (AKA the only reason I even logged into Facebook during a brief sad period circa spring 2011), Leaving them plenty of time to…no, thats cruel.

So Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh! Sorry. I ran out of giveafucks and nodded off for a moment there. My bad. Anyway, here is the wedding photo they sold to People.

Of course.

The Kardashians are doing a Klothing Kollection for Konline  Kretailer Dorthy Perkins. It looks…. Krappy.
If you are like me and take perverse pleasure in looking at fabulous homes while being the master of a one-bedroom apartment, then this slideshow featuring the is right up your alley.

Its 80 degrees in Chicago today. And its Wednesday. And my football team is 5-1. Lets celebrate this with my song of the week.

I’m usually not here for twee hisptery covers of rap songs…but for some reason this works for me. For now.

Social Media, Attenting Whoring, and Over Sharing

Yesterday a friend  looked at me, and said “…you know what I hate that people do on Facebook?”

Clearly a question for the ages.

For those of you who don’t know a life without Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/etc, social media is as natural as breathing. Its been my experience that for a certain age group, its impossible to imagine not sharing every waking moment of your day with countless strangers.

These people are usually #TeamFollowBack. I’m not talking to you kids. Go have a juicebox or something. Grown folks are talking.

For the rest of us, social media was something to adjust to. I’m [redacted] years old, so I have fond tween memories of the days when we paid for internet by the minute, could go make grilled cheese sandwich in the time it took for your dial-up to connect, and eagerly responded to every A/S/L check (of you don’t know what A/S/L means…WHO TOLD YOU TO GET OFF YOUR COT! ITS NAP TIME!). Yes we had chat rooms and forums but it was all about your kewl screen name, not so much about you. It seemed like in the dark ages, anonymity was key. You didn’t WANT the kid in Chem to know your AOL screen name. WHAT IF HE MADE FUN OF YOU OMG!!!!!

Today? Not so much.

Back to my friend. Her issue with Facebook revolved around one family member posting a vague status about the health of a distant family member (who happens to have the same name as several close family members. No, she is not related to George Foreman) which then set off a firestorm of confusion and worry through her family until everyone got their facts straight. All because some dude was, for lack of a better term, attention-whoring.

Attention-whoring is an epidemic in social media. You all have that “friend” who posts status updates like “Oh god. What should I do?”, *vague emo/passive aggressive quote/song lyric that you’re probably taking out of context*, or my personal favorite, the :-( Everyone who does this KNOWS that the people closest til them will wonder whats wrong and ask. The attention-whore will let dozens of replies to this vague cry for attention pile up before saying “omg lol you guys! I just forgot to pick up eggs/heard that song on the radio/am an asshole!”

Of course, equally annoying are people who complain about social media. I’ve seen plenty of articles bitching about what people put on their social media accounts and the frequency with which they do so. Despite what I wrote above, I rarely join in on that kind of thing. Frankly, when I go to Facebook I WANT to see pictures of my friend’s squishy adorable babies/dogs/spouses. This weekend a close buddy posted multiple pictures of her husband attempting to paint a nursery for the daughter they have on the way. Another friend posted about her students being accepted into a awesome travel program. Someone else posted pictures of the dinner he cooked for his wife. These things are slices of the lives of people I choose to interact with. They make me happy. Luckily, my friends don’t post status updates like “Just woke up”. Much like what I say when people complain about what shows up on their friend feed on Twitter…you followed them, so its as much a reflection on you for having extremely boring friends, as it is on them.


There is a recent phenomena on Facebook that I cannot abide.  Maybe this has always been going on, but due to changes in Facebook’s oversharing policies, we are all seeing way too much about what our friends DO on Facebook. And this leads to, like people on Twitter who campaign for re-tweets, people caring way too much about how many people “Like” a photo. One of my co-workers “liked” a photo of a partial birth abortion as part of some pro-life message. Never mind that partial birth abortions aren’t even legal in this country. Never mind that the captions on the photo erroneously described the procedure as if that was how ALL abortions are formed. My point is? WHY DO I HAVE TO LOOK AT A PICTURE OF THAT!? I’M JUST AMUSING MYSELF DURING MY LUNCH BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But fine. If you have error filled and mis informed personal convictions, you should feel free to express them. Bygones.

But other things:

Did I miss a meeting? Was there a poll? Did the guy in accounting say “you know what? Cancer gave me a ride home after the Christmas party and she’s not bad. She’s just misunderstood”. IS THERE ANYONE ON EARTH WHO IS OK WITH CANCER!? At least on Twitter and Tumblr people have the decency to lie and say they will donate money based on re-blogs/re-tweets. On Facebook its just…disasturbating. And instead of caring about your cause of the moment, I’m just annoyed and all:

The simple fact is this: there is no right or wrong way to do social media (i mean… exists. Not that anyone can tell me WHY they follow it). So if someone hates your Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr…well actually they probably just hate you. So you should de-friend/unfollow them immediately. And then post a vague status update that totally doesn’t explain why.

Now, if you excuse me, I have to go tweet. I didn’t get to over 45,000 tweets by slacking off. CONSTANT VIGILANCE

Shikagoland Reads the Headlines

I haven’t done this in awhile because…well lets face it, the news in general has been depressing lately.

But lets give this a shot anyway.

. You really only need two images to sum up the event:

Nice headdress. Dipshit.


Thug (after)Life!

Do the dead crip walk? Hmmm....

Yes, the hologram of Tupac “performed” at Coachella on Sunday night. So look. I’ve never been to Coachella, but I imagine that the way people feel after three nights in the dessert (while consuming large amounts of alcohol and…well other things) is close to the way I’ve felt at the end of Lollapalooza. If under those circumstances a hologram of someone I’d thought long dead showed up to dance a jig I might have ended up running screaming to drown myself in the nearest body of water. Or at least be convinced that the zombie apocalypse had begun. Not a nice thing to to to your audience, Coachella.

(on a personal note, Coachella gets Zombie!Tupac and Lollapalooza gets…Childish Gambino. I feel ripped off already, Perry)

– last week Hillary made our minds explode when she acknowledged her own internet meme, the instantly hilarious . Now Hil-dawg is back and getting her jiggy on in Columbia, knocking back beers and dancing the rumba. This is almost enought to make me forget how I felt about her during the 2008 primaries…almost.

– but her career still exists. The fight continues.

– All I get from this article is….WE’RE #1! American Exceptionalism! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

Land of the free...home of the BAD ASS

: I lack the wit required to make this any more interesting than this already is. I smell a Judd Apatow movie plot rising out the ashes of this though.

– tech drones all over the world take time away from complaining about working 80 hours a week to condemn her for it.

– Once you’re done reading that article feel free to take to your Google machines and search for local organizations near you (like the in Chicago) that take donations for new/gently used prom dresses and accessories to help young girls who don’t have a grand to drop on prom still have their little teenage dreams come true.

s – A little real estate porn. Those pictures! I die.

And finally, had that fucking cow Yolanda Saldivar not killed my queen, if she were still alive, Selena would have been 41 years old today (and better than your faves). In memory let us commence an afternoon booty shaking session:

Shikagoland Reads the Headlines

So here’s the thing: I LOVE TWITTER. Randomly dropping snark about whatever topic I wish? Genius. Love it. Sometimes it takes one tweet. Sometimes it takes 5. But I’m usually able to maximize my snark within character limit requirements. Which is awesome because I just fire off and move on.

But that doesn’t work so well with blogging.


I would like to introduce a segment I’ll call: Shikagoland Reads the Headlines.


Let us begin:

– (link includes cell phone video of the couple checking out with serious “U Mad?” expressions on their faces while people in the store whine passive aggressively) Douchebags. As much as Target pretends to be horrified by these types of events, I’m sure they really love it. However, this shit chafes my ass. Target special designer collections are the new ticket scalper. I hate ticket scalpers. Back in the olden days when Ticketmaster had locations in grocery stores I came home from college one weekend to buy concert tickets. *NSYNC concert tickets. Yes, in the olden days you could physically GO to a TM booth and BUY tickets. I know. Contain your shock.  I figured on the south side of Chicago, I was unlikely to encounter a crowd and I was all set. Imagine my surprise at showing up to find four old men already in line with a massive stack of cash. And what did they buy? *NSYNC tickets. LOTS of them. While I stood there and sharpened my comb into a shiv whined passive aggressively.

– I long for the time when the whackjob politicians with no chance in hell of winning the election were at least entertaining. Like Ross Perot. That mf’er was HILARIOUS.

- First, let me just say it is impossible to take this man seriously. Second, all you have to do to make him shut up is remind him that he used to look like this.

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier.

And I’m 100% sure that Michelle Obama never said anything in public about her “big black ass” because I don’t remember hearing about Bill O’Reilly experiencing a crippling orgasm live on air and then curling up in the fetal position under the anchor desk singing “is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” over and over. But. I’m behind on my news. I’ve been busy.

– Facebook. Herpes. All the same at this point.

– And somehow the thing that amazes me the most is that one of the kidnapped women asked their kidnappers to put out his cigarette as they were being…kidnapped and driven away in to the dessert.  She also refused coffee that was offered because she doesn’t like it. WORST.HOSTAGES.EVER.

– *ahem* I try not to get too personal here, but I am a massive kpop fangirl. So I’d just like to put out there that BigBang is amazing and I will go all hipster about it if they ever get really famous here. YOU WASN’T WITH ME ONLINE ORDERING CDS FROM KOREA and all that. I love them. And because I love you all….yeah I’m totally writing a post about them in the near future. Because I care. And want you to be informed. And then hopefully YG will see it and give me free concert tickets or something.

Let’s Party! And by party I mean continue to drink my coffee and nod my head along.

And then once we’re all fully awake, LETS PARTY FOR REAL!!!!

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