F*** Newt Gingrich

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan

This week the internet has been set ablaze with the news that Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife was ready to, for lack of more mature and politically astute phrasing, drop bombs about ‘ol Newt’s bedroom activities. Namely that he cheated, then asked his (then) wife to agree to an open marriage.  The most amusing part of this whole thing is that the very day after he asked her out of the blue for a divorce, presumably so he could freely wife his side piece, he gave a speech to a Republican Women’s group. His speech contained this tasty little gem:

“When a liberal talks about values, will he or she actually like us to teach American history? Will they actually like young people to learn that George Washington was an ethical man? A man of standards, a man who earned the right to be father of this country?”


So let me get this straight, Newt: leaving your first wife while battling cancer to wife your side piece? Totally above board. Cheating on your second wife, asking for a divorce, and then offering her an “open marriage” in order to save the marriage? Beyond reproach. Dumping the second wife to marry the woman you were cheating with because she wasn’t up for sharing (well…not anymore? Cause she cheated with him when he was married to his first wife)? Lets canonize him. Or build him a statue.

But lets not make him President.

I’ll be honest, I care very little about what President’s do in their personal lives in general. Frankly, it takes a level of narcissism and personal belief that you are  THAT DUDE to even entertain the idea of running for a post as powerful as the President of the United States. You have to have a certain level of  “fuck it” in your system. Maybe a little god complex. And from time to time that God complex manifests into sexual…hijinks. I get it.

Where it crosses the line for me is when people like Newt see completely fit to judge, and work hard to limit, the personal freedoms of others. Newt Gingrich is not about to come out as an advocate for polyamorous relationships. Newt advocates “do what I say and not what I do” and thats about it. Newt Gingrich doesn’t believe that gay people should have the right to marriage. He doesn’t believe in gays adopting children. He is against a woman’s right to terminate a pregnancy. He wants Planned Parenthood defunded completely. And don’t even get me started on his stance on child labor.

So, even if Newt was a completely faithful husband and father (like, even for 20 minutes at some point in the last decade) there are plenty of other reasons not to elect him.

Let’s run down some of Newt’s greatest hits, shall we?

“The left-wing Democrats will represent the party of total hedonism, total exhibitionism, total bizarreness, total weirdness, and the total right to cripple innocent people in the name of letting hooligans loose.”

Oh please Newt, *do* tell us more.

“I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican party is that we don’t encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, and loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words.”

Okay thats enough now.

“It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in child laws which are truly stupid…These schools should get rid of unionized janitors, have one master janitor, pay local students to take care of the school.”

No really guy. SHUT UP.

Instead of venturing down a path that would get me called a hypocritical liberal (Fun fact: Newt Gingrich led the witch hunt on President Clinton WHILE cheating on his wife), lets focus on the laundry list of reasons Newt shouldn’t be President, ones that have nothing to do with character.

And if all else fails, ponder this: Newt Gingrich looks suspiciously like a goblin from Gringott’s Bank. And who trusts a Goblin? That didn’t always work out well for Harry and the crew.

Yeah, you see it.

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